Have you ever asked these questions before?

The 5 questions most feared by men:

  • 1. What are you thinking about?
  • 2. Do you love me?
  • 3. Do I look fat?
  • 4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  • 5. What would you do if I died?

    What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

    Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

    The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

  • a. Baseball.
  • b. Football.
  • c. How fat you are.
  • d. How much prettier she is than you.
  • e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

    Question # 2: Do you love me?

    The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

  • a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
  • b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  • c. That depends on what you mean by love.
  • d. Does it matter?
  • e. Who, me?

    Question # 3: Do I look fat?

    The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

  • a. Compared to what?
  • b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
  • c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
  • d. I've seen fatter.
  • e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

    Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

  • a. Yes, but you have a better personality
  • b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  • c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  • d. Define pretty
  • e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

    Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

    A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:


    WOMAN: Would you get married again?
    MAN: Definitely not!
    WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
    MAN: Of course I do.
    WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
    MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
    WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
    MAN: ( makes audible groan )
    WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
    MAN: Where else would we sleep?
    WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
    MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
    WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs
    MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
    WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
    MAN: uh oh...